| Always. |
[04 Jun 2008|08:38am] |
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I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love"
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| taylor knows. |
[13 Apr 2008|11:07am] |
You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted
You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you
My brain is a jumbled mess. But what I do know is that it will get better, I will be better. All I've ascertained to be is someone who was good enough, well-liked but everyone. You shouldn't have a reason to hate me, because I haven't given you one. That's exactly who I am. I stay out of your way until I feel you've intrududed on mine. Then of course I have every right to say something.
It's not that I'm disappointed. It's worse than that really. I've been knocked off my feet by reality. I'm sitting here trying to make sense of the chaos that is going on around me, and I can't. The links aren't linking up, the words aren't making sense and the feelings...the feelings are so played out.
I have no desire to eat, sleep, or dream.
"Peace hippie."
So, tell me how you really feel?
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| last night. |
[20 Oct 2007|07:26pm] |
I dont need you anymore.
I dont love you anymore. Since when? Just now.
I want you to dissapear.
I dont want you to have anything to do with my life at all.
Just leave me alone.
I've never had to be a bigger bitch to anyone. I don't even mean half of those things, but there was no other way to make him go away and end a year long situation. Almost to the day we met a year ago, I refused to make this continue. So no more obligations, lying, or feeling hurt.
I might (will) be miserable for a while, but I'm better off alone.
At this rate, I will never get married or date again. Ha.
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| my cancerous love. |
[07 Aug 2007|12:10am] |
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it keeps growing. and everytime im in remission, it keeps coming back.
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| beers bros baseball |
[04 Aug 2007|11:03am] |
He seemed weirded out by the fact that I would rather sit outside on the wooden bench on a brown blanket by myself than be inside.
He didnt offer to stay.
He made a face, and walked inside.
To play beer pong and watch baseball.
I bought booze for the kids and called it a night.
I had a dream, sleeping next to him, of sleeping with someone else.
He told me the next day he had the same dream.
Woke up disoriented and bothered by the fact that he was in my apt.
I was bothered too. But without disorientation. Just bothered.
I remember that feeling last night, of just wanting him to go away.
Over and over and over again. Not being interested, but regretful and scared.
Its over, I can tell.
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| alert the media. |
[03 Aug 2007|12:14am] |
I woke up with a coughing cold. Like it was winter in Orange County, a year ago this was normal.
I decided to be okay today. The cold reminded me of a year and the spot I found in every little place I visited and lived and decided--without the aide of a Czech Republic, a boy in my heart, or cloves in my lungs and the constant churning of the next day daze--that I would be.
This seemed to alarm people.
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| im mad at you. |
[21 Mar 2007|01:45pm] |
person 1: you have crossed the line, and you were certainly not in the wrong either. the situation is not as bad as you make it out to be. oh yeah, and youre an asshole.
person 2: i hear what youve been telling other people, your "explanation." its so false. and you of all people, of ALL people, shouldnt be saying shit like that. im not the problem, its kind of you.
person 3: youre the biggest liar on the face of this planet. and i dont understand why its so hard for you to just be a good friend. stop lying. jesus.
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[28 Jan 2007|03:07am] |
youre driving me crazy.
absolutely crazy.
&this has got to stop.
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[14 Jan 2007|03:28pm] |
May 2, 2006
So today is my 21st brithday and its weird because although its a big deal, its also not because Im not a crazy drinker and Ive already been drinking all semester here (and all of college). Anyway, Danny and I are talking again and I dont know what to make of it. I miss him and I just want to be with him andl et it be that simple but its not. He makes everything so hard.
Anyway, back to Prague. Its "finals" but not really. I have two tests, three papers and thats it. Im going to miss these people so much. Not just the friends but the general group of people int he kolej (because theyre all characters). Its such a fun mix. Im drinking a cola light right now, how euro, how very typical of a day in the cesky.
Last night we rang in my birthday by smoking a shitload and then Kyle (the redhead) made us a gravity bong cause he's a little boy scout. SO I smoked myself stupid, listened to THE SONG and passed out. Then this morning, I was so retarted, I barely made it to my Jew class. My brain is fried.
And this class is so awkward, and so silent.
PS Emily is playing gmaeboy, Brent finally made a print and Grayson is giggling. Off to Culinaria...
-----------------------------------------
NOTES:
-I went to class on my birthday, thats a shocker. I later got a C in that course, but so did everyone else.
-My birthday dinner was a pizza/pasta buffet in town, followed by the typical Tuesday Nebe. I had only three drinks total.
-I did not go home alone
-I miss cola light, soda has not tasted nearly as good as it did there
-I dont smoke anymore, certainly not like I did there
-Culinaria is a gourmet store in Prague that sells American treasures like: doritos, yellow mustard, chocolate chip cookies, pepperidge farm, jelly bellies and the like.
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[30 Dec 2006|01:19am] |
I go home tomorrow--funny how that changed. Im interested to see how this pseudo-boyfriend pseudo-dating thing works out in real time.
I am pissed at my sorority. Its making me question the entire greek system, well, mostly panhellenic and mostly EC I guess. What did I gain from that experience? Yes, I met a handful of wonderful ladies but not as close to them as I am to certain people (who dont even go to Chapman ahem). I guess I got more confident, but at the same time I was always defending myself. I mean, Im glad I got AGD and not any other house cause I wouldnt have fit there anyway, but a sorority is so not for me. Im outta there!
Im excited to see my friends, but I talked to them all everyday all day. So...you know. Itll just be nice to go back and have a quasi break for school. Hopefully find a job! Im in need of a job desperately. Geez. I literally have a dollar in my bank account. So if anyone wants to hire me. Go for it.
Tired.
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| do not call me stupid! |
[28 Dec 2006|02:29am] |
Danny and I got into an argument about me being stupid and I exploded. It began with math. He likes math. I say, "me too." And he says, "Well Im better at it than you." False. But Danny does these things, says these types of things. So Im not too pissed at this point. The conversation progresses to the point where he finds more and more excuses as to why hes better at math than I am. Which for the record, is not true. Not only do our scores show this, but actually enjoy doing math and would gladly take a math class for fun if I had space in my schedule. I have a knack for it.
What it comes down to is: I hate the fact that people assume I am dumb because I wear a short skirt and watch America's Next Top Model.
I remember in Prague, I went out to a bar before dinner with my girlfriends and we all were wearing dresses cause we were dressed up. Well, the people behind us, expats or brits, then began to mock us in Valley Girl voices. We said nothing, we did nothing. We were just 8 happy girls who looked pretty or cute. And I was pissed then and Im pissed now.
Im insecure about a lot of things, but I know that Im smart and capable. I can spell. Thats a lot most shitheads cant say (As a senior in college, I have a growing urge to write that on my resume after meeting more and more of my peers).
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| wtf. |
[24 Dec 2006|03:54am] |
I overreact.
I didnt call it.
Dammit.
But it is interesting to note that I was told
By HIS friend--"you could do way better"
I hate when people say that because
a) its not true
b) its such an easy thing to say
c) its kind of bitchy...
As though I am one to point
The you-are-bitchy finger. Ha.
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| stupid girl |
[23 Dec 2006|10:31pm] |
I called it.
HE lost interest, not me.
And even though I went
Back and forth
On liking him or hating him
It still sucks.
I want to be wanted. Dammit.
And if you say someone is
Out of your league,
And you cant keep em around.
That just means you suck.
And they actually are above you.
yeah. merry christmas.
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[18 Dec 2006|12:27am] |
I think Im going to die of boredom here. Even when I do nothing at Chapman I at least feel like SOMETHING is going on. There is a level of interaction and this whole you never know where the day is going to lead factor that is severely missing here. But I dont see anyone, dont even want to see anyone. Cant wait to get out of here.
As fun as Jayden is, the little misbehaved undisciplined snot spilled water on my keyboard. Now the fucking delete key doesnt work. I cant write a novel (or anything for that matter) without the delete key. Danny says "Just mean everything you say" WELL SHIT.
And he said he misses me. (they both do, actually :| )
Well isnt that cute?
I miss Orange.
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[09 Dec 2006|06:58pm] |
In retrospect, I am not a liar. I realized my lies are different than most dishonest people because Im protecting myself, not hurting anyone else. I withhold information, I dont make things up. And really if anyone asked, I would say so.
Which is why I am always so astonished when I encounter friends (?) lying to me? Im pretty open about things. Theres no reason to lie. Id rather hear something I dont like than hear something false.
In any event last night was fun because----
Hinger: Doesnt your brother go to Chapman?
Me: You mean that guy I dated?
Em: But Jeanne, what are you gonna when you become president????
Me: Ive already done it before, so at this point it doesnt matter.
Me: CODE SITUATION!
Em: Wait, whats her name?
Me: ***
Em: Oh okay, WHORE
Me: Ewww its peeing on me AND IT RETRACTED ITS ANUS GROSS
Zach: Actually that was one of his two penises.
Matthew: Where does one get a "jim"?
AsianGuy: So is your hair naturally black?
Me: Uhh....kind of, its a really dark brown, I dyed it black.
AsianGuy: So are you like...actually asian?
Me: Im part filipino...and part Hawaiian.
AsianGuy: Oh I get it
Beal: Wait so are you Hawaiian? Or like asian?
Gina: Jeanne you look tan, did you get sunburned at the beach?
SomeAGD: YEAH IS YOUR SKIN GONNA PEEL JEANNE
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[06 Dec 2006|02:07am] |
Its a numbers game.
And Im behind.
I dont get it.
But I dont care either.
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| Boys lie. Thanks guys. |
[02 Dec 2006|01:22pm] |
I do not want to be a part of your quest
to sleep with as many girls as possible.
No thanks.
Im much more respectable than that.
And you should know better.
But meh. Whatever.
What can you do.
Adam Salazar thinks Im beautiful anyway.
So Ha!
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[30 Nov 2006|05:51pm] |
I jsut came back from a meeting with two professors today and Ive gotten the general gist from my faculty members: THEY LOVE ME! hahaha So basically Ive been a piss poor student all semester, but since Im smart enough, Ive been able to scathe by with okay grades. And the professors tell me this. We joke around and kid and Im glad they like me. I wonder what its like to have professors hate you.
Ive been working a lot on my thesis, it is giving me quite the headache but I really like my topic (Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes) and the more I read and research the more interested I am. And it makes me feel relaly studious and really in tune to the world of writers, which is sometimes nice cause thats really why I became an english major, screw that journalism shit.
One of my professors asked me not to kill myself. That was strange. I was wearing all black today. And have been studying Plath intently. But that was kind of awkward.
Speaking of journalism, one of the only people I know from Hawaii pursing a degree of journalism at UH, told me a funny story recently. I guess this guy googled info about "the earthquake hoax" in Hawaii and my friends website came up. He writes blogs, highly sarcastic blogs. He wrote one that began, "So my coworker things that..." and talked about the earthquake thing in Hawaii. Well this guy finds his blog, calls the news station and tells them hes one of the people perpetuating the hoax. Anyway, this dude also forwards his link to the US Geological Surveyers, for what reason, I dont know. But by then my friend has changed his website to have a mock article about how he thinks its gonna rain lizards or frogs. Unfortunately for him, he has alienated many journalist in Hawaii. REGARDLESS--ITS FUNNY. Glad Im not pursuing my degree at home.
ANNNNNNNND. This boy is confusing me. Unfortunately, I still like him.
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